At All
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Philly
1. Chapter 1

If she'd had any sense at all, she would have turned around when the clouds had taken on the ominous dark colors. She would have mage the final turn that would have led her back to the main road when she'd heard the first rumblings of distant thunder. She would have, at the very least, gone somewhere else - somewhere that didn't require traveling down a narrow dirt road road and walking down a cobbled driveway.

And maybe that was the point. Maybe she'd given up completely on making sense, in trying to find the logic in anything because her life was, as he'd told her, _garbage_. She managed to make it to the end of the driveway finally. Her heart pounded in her chest as the rain still pelted against her body. She was soaked and yet she still tasted the tears. Where did they keep coming from? Her hands finally pushed open the door and quickly pressed the numbers on the alarm keypad. With a quick flip of the switch, the cabin was bathed in soft light and, for the first time in several hours, she was able to close the door behind her and simply breathe.

_**You never looked so good**_

_**As you did last night**_

_**Underneath the city lights**_

_**There, walking with your friend**_

_**Laughing at the moon**_

_**I swear you looked right through me**_

_**But I'm still living with your goodbye**_

_**And you're just going on with your life**_

Coming here had been something of a reflex after she'd seen him with her. They'd been having dinner at the Top of the Towers - all of them together. Jack was there with Traci, Kyle with Summer, Lauren with Michael, and there was Billy with Victoria by his side. It shouldn't have surprised her and yet somehow it did. In her head, she knew they were over, but in her heart, she still felt something and she'd thought, obviously foolishly that he did as well. For a while, she'd even convinced herself that Victoria had been something of a consolation prize, the woman he defaulted to when the true object of his desires couldn't be had.

But tonight, there was something about the way he laughed with her, the way he smiled, the way he touched her so gently, so easily, so ... familiar. It was the way he'd noticed her sitting there on the outside - for a fraction of a section, but instead of giving her so much as a smile, he'd almost looked through her, disregarded her and turned back to Victoria.

She shook her head to banish the thought. He'd tortured her enough with the things he'd done to her. Why was she now doing it to herself. She took a few steps further into the room and let her hand brush over the soft leather of the sofa before she sat down. There were so many memories here. That was why she'd come.

As she'd sat at the table on the far side of the room tonight and watched them all, it would have been easy to have convinced herself that she'd made the whole thing up, that they'd never been real, that their love had never existed.

But it had. It had existed here. In this place. In this room. She could remember it here. This place held the memories and tonight she needed them. She needed to remember that, at least for a time, she'd been loved.

* * *

Billy pawed at the nightstand, still a bit disoriented. "Yeah," he managed as he brought the phone to his ear.

"Billy?"

The sound of his brother's voice sent a jolt of energy through him and the haze from a few glasses of wine chased by a scotch immediately disappeared. "Jack?" He felt his heart begin to race, the anxiety that occurred when an unexpected phone call wakes you was universal. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry to call so late," Jack answered quickly, hearing the concern in his younger brother's voice, "but I just got a call from our security company and apparently the silent alarm has been tripped up at the cabin."

Billy ran his hand over his face in a mix of relief and slight annoyance. "Don't they have people they can send to check that stuff out? That's why you're paying them isn't it?"

"Yeah they do. It's just that the person that set off the alarm used the old code and they called to make sure that it wasn't a mistake or someone that we'd forgotten to update."

"The old code. Who would be using the ..."

Jack didn't need to answer, recognizing by Billy's silence that his deductive reasoning had come through again. "I'd take care of it myself, but with Dina, I never know if she might wake up and I'd hate to leave Traci here alone if she were to ..."

"It's no problem, Jack." He was already standing and pulling jeans and a t-shirt from the dresser. "I'll take care of it."

_**You, I hear you're doing fine**_

_**Seems like you're doing well**_

_**As far as I can tell**_

_**Time is leaving us behind**_

_**Another week has passed**_

_**And still I haven't laughed yet**_

She pulled the blanket tighter around herself as she shivered involuntarily. In her mind she cursed Jack again for refusing to switch to gas logs. The rustic charm didn't do a hell of a lot for anyone when it was raining cats and dogs outside and the wood that was cut was soaked through and through. She sighed as she moved into the bedroom in search of dry clothes. A far too large flannel shirt was the best the cabin had to offer and she pulled it on while simultaneously folding the sleeves up and over the cuffs numerous times. It was then that she eyed the navy plush robe.

"Thank God," she muttered. With the sound of the rain and wind, it was entirely possible her mini mental break was going to turn into an over night stay. She wandered back into the living room, her eyes scanning the kitchen counter and falling on the sight of several unopened bottles of wine. Probably leftover from the last family festivities she thought as she reached into the cabinet and grabbed a glass.

She shuffled her feet as she moved back to the sofa and pulled her legs up underneath her. The slight sweetness of the wine as it filled her mouth made her close her eyes. In a different, in a different world, this would be one of those perfect nights. Thinking back now, she could remember a time very similar to this, when she'd felt as if her entire world was crashing around, when she'd wondered if her very sanity was slipping away. She could still remember the way it felt to be in his arms, to be held.

It seemed like a lifetime ago.

She jumped at the sound of the door and, before her brain even had time to process anything, she saw him standing there - as if she'd conjured him. "What are you? How did you," were the only words she could manage.

"Me?" His annoyance was obvious on his face even through the trails of dripping water as he stood in front of her looking like every bit of a drowned dog. "What am I doing here? I should be asking you that question. I'm here because we got a security alert that the place had been compromised. They thought someone was trying to break in."

"I didn't break in," she retorted. "I have a key."

"You won't after this," he assured her. "And you still tripped the alarm."

"I shouldn't have. I entered the code."

"We changed the code,"he said quickly, "so that people that we ..." He paused as she stood up and he noticed her attire. The robe threatened to swallow her whole and fell away from her shoulder revealing tan, bare glistening skin. "We changed the code," he managed again. "We could have just called the police you know."

"So why didn't you?" She was standing in front of him now, his frame bested her by at least a few inches but she made up for it in pure spirit.

"Come on, Phyllis. I knew it had to be you."

"Even more reason, right?" She stared at him for a moment, searching for something, though she wasn't sure quite what. "No, that wouldn't be as much fun, would it?"

"What wouldn't be fun? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about sending me to prison. You wouldn't want to do that when you can keep me in prison every day like this. You keep me on the outside of everything. You parade your family in front of me. You walk around acting like Im this evil, soulless butch that you never felt anything for and you relish the fact that I have absolutely no one, that I'm totally and completely alone."

_**So tell me**_

_**What your secret is**_

_**To letting go, letting go like you did**_

Silence took over the room for a long moment before he returned to stand beside the sofa where she now sat again.

"Here." He handed her a glass filled with scotch. "This might be a better choice. I'm gonna check the shed out back. There's normally some wood there that the rain couldn't have soaked. I'll be right back."

She took a small sip of the liquid, the slow burn down her throat a grim reminder that all of this was real. She has truly just broken in front of him. She'd been vulnerable and raw and desperate and needy and everything she totally and completely hated about herself. Anger raged inside - for the situation, for herself, for all of it. Suddenly she seemed to be coming unspooled and she needed to keep it together. Pull it together. Tighten up. Tighten up.

"Phyllis!"

His voice startled her and she looked down to the shards of glass covered in blood. It only took a few moments to realize it was her own. "I ..." she stammered.

He tossed the wood to the floor and reached for her arm, guiding her gently towards the bathroom. "What the hell did you do?" This time the words weren't angry. She heard no annoyance, no condemnation, just concern and a touch of true horror.

"I didn't mean to," she said honestly, before locking eyes with him. She could see the concern on his face and she suddenly understood. "I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I was just upset about before... about letting myself get so ..." she hissed as he pulled a shard of glass from her hand.

"Sorry,"he whispered, his touch exceedingly gentle. "So what? So honest?"

"Pathetic. Needy. Desperate."

"You're none of those things," he said earnestly as he patted her hand dry and began to wrap it in gauze. "It's actually not that deep. I think you'll be okay without stitches."

"Thanks." She stepped back, desperate to get away quickly, while any semblance of her dignity remained in tact. "I'm just gonna change and then I'm gonna go. I sorry I came here. I shouldn't have. I'll give Jack the key they next time I see him, okay?"

"Phyllis. Phyllis, wait. You can't go."

"What do you mean I can't go. I thought you said you didn't call anyone. If I need to make a statement or something then I'll ..."

"No. No. It's nothing like that. I just mean, you can't go out there tonight like it is. The storm is a mess and the roads are a disaster and with your hand, I just think ..."

"You just said you didn't even think I'd need stitches."

"Well right, but you never know and I just think it would be best if you stayed here."

"Forget it, Billy. I'll be fine."

"I can't let you go out there. It's crazy. It's not safe. You could really get hurt. There's no reason to put yourself in that kind of danger."

"Do me a favor," she said finally. The moment was becoming too real, too questionable, iffy side. She had to shut it down. Her heart couldn't take anything more. "Stop pretending like you give a damn."

His hand reached for her arm as she moved to leave the room and she suddenly found herself being spun around again to face him.

"Of course I care." The words came out in a rush as he looked at her. His head screamed at him to shut up but his heart overruled. "Don't you think this would all be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't?"

"You care?" Her voice almost broke as she spoke the words. "You honestly want me to believe that? What about tonight? You looked through me. You didn't say a word to me. You acted like I didn't exist, like we never existed and then you just walked on by. You just walked away. Is that how you show me how much you care?

He still held her arm in his hand, his grip gentle but firm. "I'm not walking away now." He stared at her for another long moment before letting his hand fall away. The question is, are you?"


	2. Chapter 2

**_How can you just walk on by  
Without one tear in your eye  
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?  
Maybe that's just your way  
Of dealing with the pain  
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall  
Like we never loved at all_**

Her feet felt impossibly heavy as she searched his eyes. He'd broken her in a way she'd promised herself she'd never allow and now, she was giving him a chance to do it again. Everything in her was drawn to him, the comfort his arms could provide, the feeling of acceptance she only found with him. Still, she knew better and she turned to walk into the living room.

"So that's it then? That's your choice?"

"Don't act like I'm making the choice," she said quietly before sitting down in the chair with her back to him. "You walked away from me long before I ever walked away from you."

Her heart lurched as she felt his knees brush hers and watched as she sat down on the end of the coffee table in front of her. He dipped his head, until their eyes met. "I know I hurt you with Summer and …"

"I'm not just talking about that. You … When we started, you were my sanity. You kept me going. You reminded me that I wasn't losing my mind. That I wasn't losing my humanity, that my feelings had merit, that my pain was real, that my scars could eventually heal. You showed me that I wasn't alone in this deep dark place and just having someone else to hurt with me made me willing to keep fighting to claw my way back to the light."

"I wanted to be that for you. And you deserved to have someone."

"You were everything for me then and you made me survive it and then when I finally got back to a life that reminded me of my own, you were still there and you made me smile. You made me laugh and I realized that I was happiest when I was with you. I was myself when I was with you and that's what I wanted. It was what I needed. And I wanted to be that for you too."

"You were. You did. And if I ever made you feel like you didn't then …"

"But that wasn't enough. You still chose Victoria over me. You always did. And at first I convinced myself that it was because of the children and that you just felt responsible for her and … But then there was the computer and the passwords and …"

"That wasn't about you. That was about Brash and Sassy and …"

"I know that's what you said, but looking back, it was about me. It was about us and how you never valued us enough. It was about the fact that you were always willing to put us as risk to please Victoria."

"I didn't see it that way."

"I know you didn't and at the time, I didn't either, but I've had more time to think now. That happens when you spend all your time alone and you're trying to figure out how you let yourself get in this position." She could see the lines on his face growing deeper, the concern and compassion in his eyes becoming even more real. He was hearing her and listening, something he hadn't done in so long.

"And even afterwards, even with the whole thing with Chelsea, you were more worried about Victoria and JT than any of the concerns I had with the stolen money. Because it was still all about Victoria."

"Well given the way all of that turned out, it seems like I was right to be worried, doesn't it?"

"See, right there!" She stood up quickly and turned away from him again, her hands gripping the credenza and wincing at the pain that the motion caused. She let her wrapped hand fall against her side and felt him reach for it and carefully inspect the gauze.

"Be careful with that," he whispered.

She pulled it back. "It's fine," she snapped. "You're still defending the way you acted. You're still saying it's perfectly okay that you were willing to put Victoria ahead of me and it wasn't okay. I know that I have a tendency to be selfish. I'm not completely and totally without self awareness, but I don't think it's wrong of me to expect the man that I love to put me first – at least some of the time." Her eyes met his again. "Is it?"

"Of course not, but we both made mistakes, didn't we? I'll own mine. I was stupid and thoughtless and I didn't give you the respect you deserved a lot of the time, but I wasn't alone in this, was I?" He reached up to brush the hair away from her face, letting his body rest against the heavy wooden antique piece.

"No," she admitted, looking down at the floor. "You weren't. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things I wish I hadn't. I made choices that if I could go back and change them, I would. Sleeping with Nick and …"

"I know." He shook his head. "So how about we just admit that we both made some stupid moves and we both did things that we'd like to take back? Maybe it's not so important to decide who wins this battle? Because if we're both still miserable, neither of us are really winning, are we?"

His words made more sense than anything had in a long time. "I certainly don't feel like I've had a win in a long, long time."

"Maybe instead of thinking about all the bad things we've done to each other, we could focus on the good. Maybe that's a better way to spend our time."

**_Did you forget the magic?  
Did you forget the passion?  
And did you ever miss me?  
Ever long to kiss me?_**

"That should do for a while." He stood up and admired his work before stoking the fire once more. "Hopefully the weather will let up before too long and then we can see how bad the road back looks."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I'm sorry you ended up stuck here tonight. I know you had other plans."

"Not really. I was actually already in bed when Jack called."

"Oh." She looked away quickly, trying to keep her face from showing her surprised pleasure. "I was just assuming because of the way you and Victoria seemed tonight. It looked like the two of you were planning to make a night of it." She heard his heavy sigh.

"Victoria and I are … Well, she runs kind of hot and cold. And besides, I don't really know that we're ever going to get back to anywhere like that again. Honestly, I'm not even sure I want to. It's kind of like a roller coaster with us and the kids don't deserve that. Maybe I do. Maybe she does, but they don't. We're good at the co parent thing and we decent as friends, but maybe it's just not meant to be anything more than that. It might just be time to accept it and move on."

"I didn't know you felt that way. I guess when I saw you tonight I just thought …"

"That was Mom's doing. She was supposed to be there too, but her flight got cancelled because of a storm in Chicago, so she couldn't come. I would have gone over and said hello, but I know the situation is still pretty tense after the whole board vote and I didn't want to make it worse for you."

"Oh. I thought you were …"

"I know. You thought Victoria and I were together."

"Well, you didn't even look at me, so …"

"I couldn't. Anytime I look at you, I want to keep looking and then I want to go over and talk to you and then I want to do other things and I know that you're not in that place anymore so …"

"What? _I'm _not in that place? You've treated me like the enemy for months now and when you have talked to me it's been to tell me what a horrible person I am and …"

"I know." His voice was softer now as he reached for her hand and led her back to the sofa. "I felt like that was my only option. I took my shot with you. I laid it all out on the table and I told you I was sorry. I told you I wanted you back. I told you that you should be with me and not Nick and you said we were done. You said we'd …" He paused, not because he needed to think about it – He could hear the words repeated in his head as clearly as if she'd spoken them seconds ago. "burned it to the ground," he managed. "And then …" He reached for his wallet and opened it, pulling out the 5 golden rings and letting them fall into her hands. "you gave me them back."

"You … you keep them with you?"

"It reminds me that I didn't make it up. That even though it's over now, it was real once. You know?"

The words seemed to reach inside her chest and grab her heart. Her eyes burned with instantaneous tears. "Yes," she breathed. "I do know. That's why I'm here. That's why I came here. I needed to be somewhere that I could remember the way it was. That I could think about us and how good it was at one time because sometimes … my life seems so hopeless that it's hard to believe it was ever anything but that. But here," She pointed over to the credenza that stood on the other side of the room. "I can remember being here with you. I can remember what it felt like to be in your arms. I can remember what it felt like to kiss you and to touch you. I remember that this was the first place that I was finally able to admit the way I felt about you."

"Felt?" Billy leaned a bit closer to her, his hand still closed gently around her. "Or still feel?"

"I …" She could feel the warmth of his body moving closer, the comfort of his arms wrapping around her, and the flutter of his breath on her cheek.

"Because I know my answer," he whispered. His lips brushed against hers for only a second before he pulled back and smiled. "I can sit here with you all night and talk about all the memories we've made – good and bad, but I'd much rather spend our time making new ones. We've made our share of mistakes, but the biggest one we'd ever make is letting this go again. I know I'm not prepared to make that one. I'm not willing to let you go again."

His hand cradled her face before sliding through her hair as he leaned in to kiss her again. At first, when he felt her pull back, he had a momentary flash of panic but then he saw her face and it all disappeared.

She looked at him, her green eyes shining up at him as smiled. "Feel," she whispered, "Still feel."

**_The End_**


End file.
